Guilty as Charged

I’ve noticed a trend in which I was a part of for awhile. The trend isn’t anything shocking but for some reason it bugs me now. The trend being, parents making kids clean as punishment. I was guilty of this up until a couple years ago. I eventually woke up and realized that kids should be cleaning anyways. I think that if you use cleaning as a punishment, they’ll associate that and in the future avoid cleaning as it’ll feel demeaning, like a punishment. Cleaning should be a positive thing, that they need to participate in everyday. Granted I don’t have this down to a science and my house remains a disaster zone at times, I still have my children participate in cleaning as best they can. They then, in return are rewarded in various ways for a job well done ( taking into account each child age/disability etc.)Also, in return, they well learn self care and responsibility and that I am not here for them to run all over.

Emotional Vampires

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Maybe it’s just me, yeah, it probably is. No matter, I cannot stand  it when people think that everyone is placed in their lives solely to make them happy. No wonder depression is so prevalent now! No one know’s how to make themselves happy anymore, they have to rely on others for that feeling. I recently read an article that was posted on Facebook that stated “Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people. Give them their happiness; you will get your own happiness. And this is the purpose of human life…the pursuit of happiness.” I believe the message is rather talking about helping one another but the way it’s worded set off a whole assortment of red flags because like with anything else it’s open for interpretation. Also, I really hope that people don’t truly believe that the purpose of human life is the pursuit of happiness,GAG! Consider the variables/dimensions/layers, whatever you want to call them. We are complex beings with a host of complex emotions. The fact is that happiness, while it feels good will not always be what you need, merely a want. A large portion of the human race has seemed to forget that trials are building blocks. It seems that many will do anything to avoid trials and go straight for what makes them happy, thusreason for quick fixes like drugs and alcohol and like previously stated, other people. In the end, happiness is a good goal but more people need to realize that they’re going to have to go through a ton of shit to get there and that’s a good thing. 

The Unpopular Opinion

Friggin’ Autism. My kids deserve better. Not due to entitlement but due to the fact that it seems inhumane for a child to have sensory/social issues and be completely aware of it. I equate it to having an arm or leg with a mind of it’s own. You have no control over that appendage but you are aware enough to know it’s abnormal. You are also aware enough to understand the hurtful things people say to you and your parents. I guess I am just a bit raw this week. I missed one IEP meeting ( which is a big no-no in and of itself) and the other IEP meeting I did attend was disheartening to say the least. I am just at my wits end with this whole debacle. You have teachers that tell  you your child will never go to college. You have friends and family, who mean well, telling you about all these neat new therapies, diets, child rearing advice etc. Doctors telling you,”I don’t know.” Complete strangers calling my child and me names,asking why I don’t control my children better, if my children were theirs, they’d never behave that way.”

I realize my opinions are my own and not many share them but I really don’t like Autism. I think kids with autism and their parents are amazing, however Autism can shove it where the sun don’t shine. When you have three out of four of your kids on the spectrum it’s a friggin’ circus. Granted I rather like my circus family but it can get a bit nuts/overwhelming.

In my family’s case, I wish there was a cure. Before you all go ballistic on me, hear me out. I don’t want my children’s personality to change, I just want them to be able to succeed in this world. I have heard parents say, there’s nothing wrong with people who have Autism, they don’t need a cure. They’re right, nothing is wrong with the person, the problem lies with the disorder. Moving on,then they go on to call the parents who would like a cure all sorts of valuable names. Real uplifting empathetic,sympathetic sort of stuff. I just know that in cases like my youngest son, who is severely disabled, he won’t be able to participate in society like a neuro-typical. More than likely he will always live at home, he will not get married or even date as that all is beyond his comprehension. I don’t even know if he’ll be able to hold down a job. I love my son more than life itself but that doesn’t mean I should do him the disservice of avoiding reality. If you live in denial, you will never move forward. Despite my perhaps, disparaging remarks, the fact is that I will be able to move forward with my children far faster by living in truth than I will living in denial. The truth isn’t always pretty, it’s not always comforting, it’s merely the truth.

I know that what I am feeling now is not what everyone is feeling but I can say that, though uncomfortable, I am sitting in these damned feelings and enduring them because I know I will learn from the experience. I strongly encourage anyone reading this disaster, that your feelings are valid, no matter what and you need to sit in them even if it’s extremely painful.

Living in the Lap of Luxury

Until my health failed me (temporarily) I hadn’t realized the simple things I took for granted. For instance; Going to the bathroom,sitting up,walking,driving,sitting down, picking my legs up,getting out of my house, getting my kids ready for school,cooking for my family,showering. All these situations, plus more. I couldn’t do a one without assistance,yes, even going to the bathroom. Can you imagine, taking 10 minutes just to sit on a toilet. Utterly embarrassing and ridiculous rolled up in a burrito of shame. Every time I attempted to move I made weird faces,every time I tried to stand, more weird faces. When I attempted to walk I looked as though I should be carrying around a ring and calling it “precious.” I’m 31 years old, this shit doesn’t fly well with me.

I am about 2 weeks out now and I am finally able to get around unassisted, though my back and hips are still a bit tender. I was able to get out and grocery shop the last two days which was unbelievably refreshing despite some of the stares. I’m still not walking fully upright yet. It would only be funnier if I had a thick brow. I am also back in the kitchen and testing recipes. Yesterday I made an old fashioned Chicken and egg noodle soup and for dessert I made “Knock you Naked Brownies,” by Pioneer Woman Cooks;Ree Drummond. Laszlo was sorely dissapointed that my clothes did not fly off when I ate the brownies. In all fairness his clothes didn’t fly off either, so I stand by our accusations of “false advertising.” Today we had more soup but then I made Apricot,Chicken Sage Panini’s to go with. They were really good but both Laz and I agree they needed more of a kick, something spicy.

I am back to house work again, which is the down side of getting better. Over the last couple weeks various family members and friends came over and helped out. Which was awesome and embarrassing all at once. No matter, I am unbelievably grateful! I am sure that they, my family and friends, are grateful as well. As they don’t have to come over to help anymore or for at least a long while. I am looking forward to finally knocking a couple house projects off my list this next week. More painting!Image

On the Couch Again

Here I am on the couch again. Trying to make up my mind on whether or not I really need to go to the bathroom that bad. You see, every time I attempt to stand these days it feels as though someone is tightening a rope around my spine and then repeatedly stabbing me in it and my hip. I am beginning to realize just how much I really do around my house, how much others depend on me, on myself even. I literally, at this point, can do nothing and have had to rely on the help of others, including my kids. The worst part aside from the pain is having those pesky unhealthy thoughts. When you are down you have a lot of time to think. I’ve thought about drugs…OH YEAH, how can I get a hold of them and how would I handle certain drugs? I’ve thought about ways to knock myself out and I have thought, “what’s wrong with me? Is this something really bad?” I have also thought, what if people think I’m lying,grasping for sympathy or looking for attention and then I realize, “this is the worst way to look for it.”

At this point my house is a wreck, my kids are running wild, the animals cages,coops etc. are way overdue to be cleaned. I haven’t cooked or  done any artwork in over a week other than reading Facebook post. Even getting on the net was hard until my eldest son got the computer moved over to the couch area. I have a laptop but I lost the cord so I can’t use that thus the mess of wires and giant computer by the couch. Did I mention my eldest son is awesome!

Below is a self portrait done by Frida Kahlo. She too injured her back as a pre-teen and struggled the rest of her life with it until she was bed ridden in her final years. Normally I don’t post pictures that are so startling however this depicts what she went through perfectly and I can so relate although she had it considerably worse than I do.
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I know this is not God’s fault however I feel as though he’s using this situation as some sort of life lesson and I have yet to really piece it all together. I feel so many things; scared,hurt, sad, angry, useless etc. and I have no choice other than to just lay here and ponder it all. I can usually find the joy and humor in any situation but I am having trouble finding it this go around.

Authentic

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For the last week or so my back has been out, so I’ve had a lot of down time to reflect. I pondered many things. Everything from small little nothings to life altering changes. One thing I have given much thought to as of late is what it means to be “genuine” or better yet “authentic,” especially in a friendship.  I’ve posted about it before on Facebook, about my inability to dislike anyone and searching for a friendship with everyone. What I have found is it leads to a lot of disappointment.  I will never put those attention seeking warnings on Facebook about weeding out my friends list but I have certainly thought, especially as of late what it would look like if I did finally cut the loose ends in my life.

I am still learning and growing and hopefully that will never change. Unfortunately I have, up until this point, purposefully sought out friendships with unhealthy people. Now that I am more aware of this predicament I have been in a process of grieving. I have found that it’s extremely painful to let go of people that I view as friends, even though they really don’t view the relationship similarly. Sometimes these people are even deliberately cruel towards me but I have made excuses for them. At times it feels like I’ve lost a loved one. I still have to find out, not only why  I look for these people but also why it’s so hard to let go when the relationship is so one sided. In affect, I have also not been the best friend because how authentic or genuine can you be if you don’t tell your “friends” how you really feel?

Through this all, I have and am grateful that I serve a God that loves me as I am and that grants me Grace through all my shortcomings. A God that knows me and knows my needs.He truly is my comforter. While I am struggling at the moment, I know that he is still there. I love that he puts up with all my “seeking” and my thirst for knowledge and understanding. At times I know I must sound like a small child with a million questions. He is so good to me.

A Bad Month

The past month has been rough. A few days before Christmas we had a house fire. The fire itself wasn’t very large. We lost a couple of trash bags worth of clothes,blankets,toys and one mattress. However, the smoke damage was extensive and we are still cleaning up a month later. About a week after the fire I caught some caramel on fire at work and the fire department showed up. A few days after that Troy burnt popcorn in the microwave to the point of having thick black smoke. Around the same time as our Christmas fire, all of us where sick with a stomach bug at one point or another. I think a lot of the “bug” was due to stress. Also around the same time as the first fire I quit working due to various reasons but the main one being that numerous people in my life were unhappy with me because I wasn’t meeting their expectations, which were not clearly stated anyways. Essentially I always had one or more people mad at me everyday for several months. I didn’t care so much about making everyone happy or keeping peace so much as I was tired of all the negativity and dishonesty.

Within this time frame I received my one millionth phone call from Paul’s school stating he had done something awful and when I say awful it really was. It was something that you could hear about only in the movies or nightmares. The only difference this time is that they were threatening to expel him if nothing was going to change. I immediately got him into a counselor as well as he has a few different appointments with specialist set up. He did see the counselor this week. Granted I can’t say much about the appointment itself I can say that I was a little disappointed with the appointment just because Paul clammed up and wouldn’t say anything about all the things he has complained about to me over the last several months. I knew not to expect too much but I was sad at how little came out. I hope that as time goes on and we are able to meet with the counselor more that Paul will open up some.

This last week, to add to my stress, I got together with a friend to clean and get my house together ( we were going to work all week), only I became very sore after the first day of work and essentially became useless after that. So, I was sore for about a day and I mean really sore. After that initial first day I slowly began to feel better and then I got hit with a severe migraine. That too lasted a day and a half. The night I got that cleared up my back went out and when I say “went out” I mean I couldn’t make it to the bathroom went out. I did eventually make it but it  took me two hours to get from my living room floor to the bathroom. The pain of my back was excruciating. I have never screamed from pain before other than childbirth. I screamed and cried every time I tried to move with this back injury. Poor Laz tried to help but I screamed at him too and then cried. Laz was finally able to help me roll onto the couch where I made myself a nice little nest and stayed there for a while. Two days into my making friends with the couch I dumped boiling hot tea on my chest and actually blistered the skin on my chest and arm. Because of my back it took me 15 minutes to get myself into the shower and get cold water on me. I cried the whole shower.

This brings me to today. I am still healing. I am now able to walk to the bathroom instead of crawl. I was able to stand and stretch enough to do dishes today. I tried driving yesterday but that was a horrible mistake and probably set me back about a day in my recovery. My burns don’t hurt at all but they look pretty gnarly.

Through this all I had a couple of people who were really there for me and I sure appreciated it. My husband and kids,my parents and my dear friends Shannon and Rebekah were all great helps and wonderful companions. I am blessed through this all.

If any of this seems poorly written and just plain doesn’t make sense, I blame the pain meds and muscle relaxants.

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